:: Boy In Corner ::

:: Tuesday, May 06, 2003 ::

Autobiography at Age 19 and 3/4

I am 19 and 3/4 years old and I'm looking forward to a good day.
I just failed two midterms, there is a war going on, the environment is going to hell, and racism still exists.
At 19 and 3/4 I am a poet. I am a poet. I am also a son, brother, nephew, lover, friend, employee, musician, activist, author, student, writer, and ex-boyfriend.
When I was 9 my mother stopped home schooling me and enrolled me into public school.
Seven months later I had my first crush on the only girl that could catch me in tag.
When I was 13, I fell in love with a girl that I didn't really know.
Of course, she rejected me. My smile truly fell for only the second time.
When I was 17, I fell in love with a girl who loved me as much as I loved her.
Two and 1/2 years later, I lost her, then found her again as a friend.
At 8, my aunt was stabbed to death by her husband.
At 16, I heard my grandmother's death rattle; the blood-chilling sound of a dying woman's blood and muscus slowly filling her lungs.
At 16, I had to hug a mummy-like dead body for the first time.
At 17, I sat in the hall of a hospital, and I saw the chest of my aunt stop rising as the life left her bloated, bloodied body.
At 17, I hugged a sickly corpse not yet cold for the second time.
At 18, I looked over my dying grandfather, his skin shrunken and parchment yellow, black snot in his left nostril and spots of blood on his teeth.
At 18, I hugged a cold body for the first time.
At 18, I stood over a bed containing my zombie-like grandmother, the image of her cancer-ridden body reminding me of photos of unwrapped mummies.
At 18, I wrapped my arms around what seemed like death incarnate in my grandmother.
And after all that I laugh and smile, for I keep it all inside.
And at 19 and 3/4 I am introspective as fuck.
I've realized that the reason why I laugh at funerals is because I can't take the pain of losing loved ones.
I know I'm loud, outgoing, and crazy because I'm afraid of being forgotten.
I understand that the real reason i nearly fialy my classes is not because I'm too busy fighting for a better world. It's because I'm lazy.
Although I do try and fight for a better world. I do. But sometimes I also have to fight for myself.
Because I am selfish. I take days off, I flake out, and I master juggling 8 AIM boxes.
And I laugh and smile again, for it all stays inside.
At 17, I graduated as Valedictorian with an International Baccalaureate diploma, after working my ass off for the past 8 yeras.
At 18, I failed my first class and got the news on Christmas day.
The rapturous joy of the realization that I failed made it a great Christmas.
The amazing feeling of also realizing that your parents' marriage is falling aparpt made the holiday season even more magical.
At 19 and 3/4, I've made love to one girl, had sex with four others, and only one of those times was I drunk.
At 19 I joined Theatre Rice and became immersed in a new world full of creativity, talent, inspiration, and beauty.
At 18, I felt an empty void take over my heart, and again the smile fell.
At 18 and 1/2, I sewed my heart back together and the smile was back, hiding deep scars on my heart,
And a single mark left on my right shin.
At 18 and 3/4, my best friend betrayed me again, and I haven't spoken to her since.
As my frown reversed itself and rose, so did my Family of friends.
At 19 and 3/4, I have the strongest base of friends I could ask for, and amazingly it is still growing.
At 19 and 3/4, I have reinvented myself and I am more sure of who I am than ever before.
I am a writer, a poet, an actor.
I am an environmentalist, a pacifist, an activist.
I am a student, a teacher, a thinker.
I am a dreamer, an optimist, a lover.
I am openmindeed, I am liberal, I am me.
I am an Asian American, I am an American of Japanese Ancestry,

but above all, I am a human being.

At 19 and 3/4, I am disillusioned with the world, but I still hold hope.
At 19 and 3/4, I have not been published, but I will still write.
At 19 and 3/4, I am failing two classes, but I will still study and learn.
At 19 and 3/4, I may flail, fail, and fall, but I will still get up and fight for my beliefs.
At 19 and 3/4, I may be censored, but I still will refuse to be silenced.
At 19 and 3/4, I might be insecure, but I will still smile and laugh.
At 19 and 3/4, that one special girl is dating someone else, but I shall remain her best friend.
At 19 and 3/4, my life might be hectic, but I shall still stop and just breathe.
At 19 and 3/4, my parents may be divorced, but I shall still be part of a Family.
At 19 and 3/4, I may already be tired and worn, but I still will continue to grow.
At 19 and 3/4, I am still ignorant about a lot of thigns, but I shall still try.
At 19 and 3/4, my country is killing people, corruption runs rampant everywhere, poverty is in my backyard, the earth is slowly being killed, the economy is terrible, I fear flunking out of college, racism is still alive and well, and I have a hold in my right shoe and it's raining and my sock is wet BUT
I shall still smile.
I am 19 and 3/4. It is a good day to be alive.
At 19 and 3/4 I am alive.
I am alive.

:: Rick Kitagawa 11:45 PM [+] ::
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